Why
are we here? How are we here? Who put us here? Is this all just a game? What is
the point? I wake up, go to work at McDonalds, and come home to go to sleep.
What psychotic, millionaire, alien is the one who is tormenting us in this life
of depression and anxiety? All I want in this so called “life” is to know why
I’m living it, because it seems worthless to me.
I have these things that help me get
through the day, but they’re expensive. This is the real reason I work at
McDonalds, although my family doesn’t know that. I am a 15 year old drop out.
Life isn’t even worth it, so why would school be? All I live for is the feeling
I get when I use those things I use.
Without these things I have, I would
not be able to live through one hour, never mind one day. If my parents and
sister ever found out they would be so proud of me! They would finally realize
that I’m a good kid! That is why I have to tell them soon. They will think I am
so smart for finding these things and buying them. They will finally love me.
“Mom! Dad!” I said.
“Come here I need to tell you something!” I yelled.
“What do you want now?” They sighed.
“I have these things here look! Aren’t you proud of me
for getting them?” I asked
“What is that? Where did you get those? You’re a terrible
son, who doesn’t deserve anything. I cannot wait until you’re out of my house!”
My mother said to me with unexplainable wrath.
I just
walked away. The conversation didn’t go as well as I had hoped. I thought they
would have been happy that I got those things. So I used them, but a lot this
time. I had never taken that many before and it made me feel great! I was so disappointed
that my parents didn’t love me, all I wanted to do is lay in my bed and cry and
do nothing.
It had
been three weeks since I showed up to work or even left the house, and my
parents didn’t even care. I got fired that morning from my fast food job. I wouldn’t
be needing another job. My parents thought I was worthless and so did I. Maybe I really shouldn’t be here… Maybe I
should just end it all right now. It would be better for everyone. I wouldn’t
have to deal with anything anymore, my parents would be free of the weight I
put on their shoulders, and my sister could have my room.
So, I
decided to do it. I ended everything. I ended my depression, all with one huge
gulp of 15 of those things I had. I ended it. All of it. That easily. It was
all gone. But was it really?
I could
still see them. I could still see my family, and they hadn’t found me yet. I
couldn’t wait to see their happy faces when they saw my limp body lying there
on my bed! What would they say? “Finally, he is gone,” is what I expected.
That’s
not exactly what happened though…
“Oh my god! John come in here! Help!” My mother yelled.
My dad came running in, “What, what, what is it, what
happened?”
“He’s gone, he’s really gone!” My mother sobbed.
I thought they wanted me gone…? Mom
said I didn’t deserve anything. I made a huge mistake. Hearing
the 911 call my mom made was displeasing and made me feel guilty. I thought
that this would make everything better but I guess I was wrong. I made another
bad mistake and I couldn’t fix it. I may
as well make the most out of it.
I was
looking for someone to talk to, but no one else was there. Where is everyone? Why am I all alone? I started running, and I
never stopped. I was sprinting, and instead of getting tired, I was getting
faster, faster by the second. Where ever
I’m going, I know it’s the right way. I just have that feeling that everything
is going to be okay. I feel like everything is going to be right here.
I finally
found someone, but as soon as I saw her I lost everything I loved. My family
was gone for good. I knew I had made a horrible and unchangeable mistake. I
knew the woman, I knew her well actually and she knew me too. She was an
elderly woman, and she was here with me. We had both lost everything, and so I
assumed I could talk to her about my feelings. I assumed wrong, she was
surprisingly unsympathetic to my case.
“Hi, where is everyone?” I asked.
“Hello Shaun,” the woman said.
“Umm…where is everyone?” I asked again.
“I know what you did Shaun!” the woman yelled at me.
I tried
to run, but I couldn’t. I tried and tried and tried, and I couldn’t run. She
was controlling me? I know her and she wouldn’t do that. It’s someone else. I
didn’t know what was going on, but I still had that feeling that everything was
going to be okay, and I would find happiness in the unknown place I was in.
It was
weird, I started to hear my mother’s voice calling my name. Increasing in
volume each time.
“Shaun. Shaun. Shaun! Shaun!” I heard her.
I woke
up.
I don’t know
what happened, but I woke up that day in a hospital bed. I think I died and
woke back up, but I don’t know how. I think maybe god did it. I think he helped
me fix my mistake. That is why I was going to fix the rest of my mistakes now.
I am writing this because I have to. You guys are making me do it. You say,
“This is going to help you get better okay Shaun.” I don’t believe you really,
but you guys are all I have right now and I told My parents I would do anything
you asked of me so I will keep that promise. Hopefully this helped you guys,
good luck fixing me!
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