Self-Deprecation: Nobody's Perfect? Wrong.

            Its first period on a Monday morning and I am sitting in my seat in math. I am all the way to the left in the second row. We go through our new lesson and go over the quiz I failed last Thursday. I am already extremely annoyed due to my sub-subpar quiz grade and then we get assigned a new math homework which consists of 60 problems. I am distraught by the amount of homework I already have and its only first period! I guess when we were offered 15 minutes to start our homework I was stoked, but would I really benefit from it? It has been 5 minutes since we started and I have already re-written my heading 4 times yet everyone else is already on problem number 5. 10 minutes now and I am only on problem number 2…everyone else was on problem 12. Our 15 minutes is over and I only managed to complete a total of 4 problems while everyone else completed 17 because everything I write has to look perfect otherwise I have an anxiety attack.

            I am sitting at home trying to complete the mile high pile of homework that I have and then I look over on the couch next to me and see a pile of blankets. I really, really, really need to finish this homework so that I can get a good night sleep, but then look at those blankets. “No, keep working,” I tell myself but I can’t help it, something in the room is not absolutely perfect and I can’t take it anymore. 5 minutes later I have all of the couch pillows set and the blankets folded and I am ready to keep working on my homework. Yet, my need for perfection is still taking over my life because, all of my writing has to look perfect and that takes a while.

            The one thing I love the most besides my friends and family in this world is soccer. Yet my anxious personality and need for perfection can sometimes take over and ruin a game. We are up by 2 within the first 15 minutes which is great, but we are still not playing to perfection and I am starting to get aggravated with everyone including; the ref, my teammates, my coach. And most of all, myself. I start yelling at people and at the ref, “What are you doing? That was terrible, you’re ruining the game!” I am yelling at myself and smacking the turf. Keep in mind we are winning 4-0 right now, and I am still not satisfied because I only want perfection.

            How am I ever going to succeed and be happy with myself when perfection is the only thing that satisfies me because no one, or anything, is, or ever will be, perfect right? How am I supposed to live with myself if I can’t believe that I did something right? I guess I will try to find satisfaction with less than perfect eventually, but right now perfection is what I want and I will continue to strive for it.

            Hi, I bet you thought the essay was done, but it’s not perfect yet right? I know I am asking you a lot of questions as a reader, but you’re going to have to deal with it. I have come to realize that this essay is most likely not going to be perfect and I guess that’s okay. I am not entirely happy with my need for perfection because even though it is good to strive to be the best, almost all of the traits that it brings out in me are negative towards my personality, but that is me so deal with it right?